


From the Home Office In London

by gardnerhill



Series: SH Top Ten Lists [1]
Category: Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms, Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Genre: Community: watsons_woes, Crack, Gen, Humor, Watson's Woes July Writing Prompts 2014, Watson's Woes July Writing Prompts 2015
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-10-27
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2017-11-17 04:32:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/547647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gardnerhill/pseuds/gardnerhill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I love the David Letterman Top Ten Lists. Here are a number of Sherlock Holmes-themed ones I've written.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Top Ten Sherlock Holmes Pick-Up Lines

**Author's Note:**

> Each chapter is a stand-alone.

10\. Can I buy you a hit of cocaine? 

9\. That is a pipe in my pocket--and I am glad to see you 

8\. From all the observable evidence at hand, I deduce that you are one hot babe 

7\. Ever spent the night in a morgue beating corpses? 

6\. Can I see your ankles? 

5\. I've got front-row tickets to the Coroner's Inquest 

4\. Of course Queen Victoria doesn't like this sort of thing going on! Have you ever _seen_  her? 

3\. We could spend the evening hiding the evidence, if you know what I mean 

2\. If all the clues didn't point to you being the cold-blooded poisoner of three little children for their inheritance money, I'd ask you back to my place 

1\. Watson, come here. I want you.


	2. The Top Ten Rejected Lines from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes Stories

10\. "This is a three-pipe problem. Watson, go out and score me some crack." 

9\. "Dammit, Holmes--I'm a doctor, not a detective!" 

8\. "You have the right to remain silent..." 

7\. "Trust me, Miss Morstan -- I'm a doctor." 

6\. "Elementary, dickweed!" 

5\. "Good work, Inspector Lestrade--you arrested the right man in the first place!" 

4\. "Nice doggie. Good dog--AAAAAHHHHHH!!!" 

3\. "Whoa! Check out the set of ankles on that babe!" 

2\. "Look at the evidence, Watson! The knife, the dog, the bloody glove -- you'd have to be a complete imbecile to think he was innocent!" 

1\. "And stop calling me Shirley."


	3. The Top Ten Signs that the Detective You Hired is NOT Sherlock Holmes

10\. Keeps saying "Detective work is like a box of chocolates." 

9\. Wipes the evidence down, saying "Who left these disgusting fingerprints all over everything?" 

8\. Throws up on the coroner when viewing the corpse in the morgue 

7\. That ain't tobacco he's smoking in that pipe 

6\. In the films, he's played by Jim Carrey 

5\. Takes one look at you and can instantly deduce your bra size 

4\. Points at the policeman bent over the body and shouts "Aha! Caught you red-handed!" 

3\. Looks at the footprints for an hour, then proudly announces that the murderer was wearing shoes 

2\. Still trying to figure out who shot J.R. 

1\. His smarter older brother's name? Danforth


	4. The Top 10 Ways Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson Relieve Stress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally appeared in the [Watson's Woes](watsons-woes.livejournal.com) LJ comm as part of a writing prompt in July 2011.

**10.** A morgue full of cadavers + a riding crop = hours of entertainment

 **9.** Trying on each other's hats

 **8.** Head-butting chimney sweeps

 **7.** Drunk-dialing Inspector Lestrade to ask if he has Prince Albert in the can. (This backfired one night, when Lestrade actually had the Queen's husband in lockup.)

 **6.** Reading the Penal Code aloud and laughing their asses off

 **5.** Ogling the "Ankle of the Month" in the Police Gazette

 **4.** T.P.ing Ebenezer Scrooge's office

 **3.** Golf. (Dr Watson plays the game, and Sherlock Holmes deduces which players will get hit by lightning first.)

 **2.** Two simple words: malt liquor

And the Number One way Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson relieve stress – 

**1.** Smoking each other's pipes, if you know what I mean


	5. The Top Ten Rejected Insurance Claims from 221b Baker Street

10\. Accidentally backed into Lillie Langtry's bustle

9\. Muttonchop rash

8\. Beaten up by Charles Dickens' goons

7\. Monocle lodged in meerschaum

6\. Urchin bites

5\. Turns out Queen Victoria has a very poor sense of humour regarding men who wink at her and ask if she wants to see _their_ Prince Albert.

4\. Two simple words: Sweeney Todd

3\. Saw Her Ankle: Erection Lasted Longer Than Four Hours

2\. I am Not Drunk, I Swear to God Lestrade, There was this Giant Rat

1\. Post-Reichenbach Stress Disorder


	6. The Top 10 Vices Indulged in By Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Those Victorians!

  
**From the Home Office at Cox & Co.:**   
**The Top 10 Vices Indulged in By Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson:**   


10\. Going to orphanages and wagering which of the waifs will die first

 

9\. Cocaine Coladas

 

8\. Shamelessly pulling up their shirt-cuffs to brazenly expose a half-inch of wrist

 

7\. Hookahs (Well, that’s what my Boston friend calls them)

 

6\. “Are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses? … Well, just the ones we invest in.”

 

5\. Shotgunning absinthe

 

4\. Let’s just say one of Dr. Watson’s girlfriends in Afghanistan spat a lot and had a hump

 

3\. Buying opium at the chemist’s while wearing a morning suit instead of an afternoon one

 

2\. Two simple words: bobby taunting

 

And the Number One Vice Indulged in By Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson:

 

1\. Smoking each other’s pipes, if you know what I mean


	7. The Top 10 Titles for Sherlock Holmes Stories if they were Written by Dr. Seuss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ordinary people get caught up in the weird adventures of a cool cat in a crazy hat. But enough about “A Study in Scarlet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the 2014 July Watson’s Woes Prompt #22, brought to you by one fish two fish red fish blue fish: A Seussian Situation. Incorporate Dr. Seuss or one of his works somehow into today's entry. A Cat in a Hat or a 500 Hats? A Grinch or a Sneech? It's up to you!

From the Home Office in Solla Sollew:

The Top 10 Titles for Sherlock Holmes Stories if they were Written by Dr. Seuss

10\. To Think That I Live with Him On Baker Street

9\. Wilson the Red-Headed Moose

8\. Green Eggs and Ham Thanks to Lax Victorian Food-Purity Laws

7\. Holmes Hears a Hiss!

6\. I had Trouble in Getting Past Reichenbach Falls

5\. How the Goose Swallowed Christmas

4\. Charles Augustus Milverton Will You Please Go Now!

3\. If I ran the Circus a Lot More People Would Get Mauled by the Lion

2\. One Fish Two Fish Deathfish Jellyfish

1\. You’re Only Old Once But It Turns Out You Can Fake Your Own Death For Several Years


	8. The Top Ten Rejected Sherlock Holmes Stories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the 2015 July Watson's Woes Promptfest prompt #17, _**But Aside From That, Dr. Watson, How Did You Like the Trip to Switzerland?:** Watson has been accused of having a “pawky sense of humour” by his flatmate. Incorporate humour into your entry in some way – even grim or black humour (characteristic of both medical people and police). _Yet another of my Lettermanesque Top Ten Lists.

**10.** Holmes, Where the Devil Have You Hidden My Fountain Pen?

 **9.** The Hidden Valley Ranch Mystery

 **8.** A Case of Scabies

 **7.** That One Weekend We Spent at Oscar Wilde’s Place

 **6.** A Scandal in Bloomingdale’s

 **5.** Mrs. Hudson’s Mystery Meat

 **4.** The Adventure of the Three Amigos

 **3.** The Problem of Thor’s Brother

 **2**. That Miserable Fat Little Belgian Bastard Weasels In On My Case

_… and the number one Rejected Sherlock Holmes Story:_

**1.** The Sparkly Vampire


	9. London Calling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is customary at times to write little things under one’s name on a calling card.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the July 2015 Watson's Woes Promptfest Amnesty Prompt #7, Article Prompt: [Calling Cards](http://www.artofmanliness.com/2008/09/07/the-gentlemans-guide-to-the-calling-card/)

_From the Home Office of the Egria Papier Gesellschaft Printing Company:_

**The Top Ten Least Popular Victorian Calling Cards**

 

10\. H Baskerville – Wife Needed, Must Loathe Dogs

9\.    J Moriarty – No Theorem Too Binomial

8\.    J Mortimer MRCS – Skull-fondling My Specialty

7\.    J Watson MD – Touch His Skull Again and You Pull Back a Stump (entire 1000-card set sent only to J Mortimer’s res.

6\.    S Moran – Tiger Removal. (Damn Right There’s No Tigers in London – You’re Welcome)

5.    S Holmes – Ennui Specialist – Will PAY You to Commit a Crime if You’re Clever Enough

4.    AJ Raffles – Challenge Accepted Mr S Holmes

3.    R Hudson – Wait, Women Don’t Get Calling Cards and Servants Definitely Don’t. Get the Hell Back in the Kitchen

2.    G Lestrade – Regretting Not Going into Dad’s Sewage Repair Business

_…and the Number One Least Popular Victorian Calling Card:_

1.    Victoria R – We Came Here to Be Amused and Take Your Country, and We Are Not Amused


End file.
